Enjoy The Silence
by felena1971
Summary: Post Grave Danger.  Will Grissom's second favorite passion help him to reveal his first?
1. Chapter 1

The past six months had been hell on Earth for the graveyard shift at the Las Vegas Crime Lab; but they were finally getting back to their routine. Sara was reading the new issue of a forensics journal. Greg, Nick and Warrick were playing a video game in the corner and Catherine was flipping through a case file. Smiling to himself, Gil Grissom cleared his throat to get their attention as he entered the break room.

"Warrick, you and Greg have a 419 at a convenience store in Henderson. Looks like gang involvement, so watch your backs." So went the normal routine of the graveyard shift.

"Cath, you and I have a missing person at WLVU. An honor student didn't come back to the dorm after the long weekend and his roommate reported him missing. NO statements to the press on this one guys, apparently our vic is the nephew is of a senator from California." He continued handing out assignment slips to his team.

"Nicky, you and Sara have a smash and grab at the MGM Grand. Someone knocked over a collectibles table at a sci-fi convention. Everybody got it? Great, let's go."

Avoiding eye contact with any of his team, Grissom left the break room and made his way down the hall to the men's room to wash up before heading out with Catherine Willows to process a potential crime scene. Without warning, the men's room door flew open and there she was, the most beautiful, infuriating, confounding, intoxicating woman he'd ever known…Sara Sidle. For more than 12 years, she had been the cause of many, many sleepless nights (or in Grissom's case, days). Ever since they had become friends during his tenure as a guest lecturer at one of her college seminars, Grissom had been unable to keep her out of his mind.

She'd intrigued, fascinated and enthralled him, but he'd been too afraid of the potential consequences to act on his feelings. He had settled for being her mentor in order to maintain contact with her. Over time, their friendship had grown and he'd come to value her insights and opinions on cases. He'd asked her to come to Las Vegas for those insights and opinions but five years later, he still found it nearly impossible to admit there had been more to it.

"May I help you, Sara?" Grissom calmly intoned. He'd had infinite practice over the years, learning to keep his voice under control in her presence, even with the rest of him careening blindly into oblivion. Having her here, in the men's room wasn't helping that control any.

"Grissom, what the hell is this?" Sara fumed, waving her assignment slip in his face, completely oblivious to the fact that she was standing in the middle of the men's restroom.

"Sara, this is neither the time nor the place to discuss your assignment."

"Why not? I want to know what you think you're doing!"

Grissom could tell she was quickly building up to one of her legendary tirades. He swept his expressive blue eyes around the room, hoping to call Sara's attention to their surroundings without humiliating her and adding fuel to her fire.

"Oh my…oh….Oh MY God," Sara stammered, her face erupting to a rather impressive shade of crimson as she turned and fled from the room almost as quickly as she had burst in.

"That went well," Grissom silently chastised himself; although truth be told, he had enjoyed being witness to two things he didn't think were possible, Sara Sidle blushing and being rendered nearly speechless. He would have to worry about the situation later, as he'd already squandered enough time and needed to get to the scene with Catherine.


	2. Chapter 2

"WHAT, was that all about?" asked the attractive redhead seated next to Grissom in the Denali. Though she meant well, Catherine Willows was about as subtle as a five-pound sledgehammer to the head.

"It was a personnel matter, Catherine and I would rather not discuss it."

Gil sighed; he knew there had always been an undercurrent of tension between the two women and this was distressing for him. While they were polar opposites, they were undoubtedly two of the most important people in his life for both personal and professional reasons.

"Cath, may I ask you something?"

"Uh oh, must be a doosey if you have ask me if you can ask. What's on your mind, Gil?"

"Why do you dislike Sara?"

"I wouldn't say I dislike her, really."

Grissom cast a sidelong look at his friend, his eyebrow rising as it always did when he was skeptical of something.

"Ok, ok. It goes back to when she first came to the unit. She was an outsider, a ringer. Someone you shipped in special." Catherine sighed, for someone with the IQ of a genius, the man could be unfathomably clueless at times. "Think about it Gil. You're my best friend and all of a sudden here's this 'other woman' in your life that I know nothing about, have never even heard of and you've brought her here to sniff around into what happened to Holly Gribbs. How was I supposed to feel?"

"Cath, that's not how it was. I needed someone from outside the lab, who didn't know already know all the players by heart and wouldn't be moved by Nicky's southern charm or intimidated by your…assertiveness." Their close friendship over the years caused him to substitute that word for one he'd heard all too often in describing his co-worker, abrasiveness.

"I had known Sara for seven years and I knew she was good at what she does. She can be unemotional about a scene without being unfeeling and that was what the situation called for."

"Seven years?!" Catherine exclaimed, incredulous. "You had known her for seven years and never thought to mention her? I saw the way you looked at her, Gil. There was more than friendship in those beautiful baby blues of yours when she first came to Vegas."

Grissom was suddenly glad he'd allowed Catherine to drive back from the University. Being there in the dorm room had sparked a lot of memories, not to mention a headache. He knew he'd have to deal with Sara when they returned to the lab, he just wasn't sure if he would be ready. Truth be told, he didn't know if he'd EVER be ready to have the discussion that was necessary.

Upon arriving back at the lab, he retreated to the sanctuary of his office for a few much needed minutes of silence. He knew he would have to find Sara and talk to her about her outburst at the beginning of the shift. For the moment though, he settled for completing his report on the non-crime he and Catherine had investigated. He frowned to himself, thinking back to the scene in the room.

They had spent the better part of four hours going over every inch of the small dorm room when they heard keys in the lock. He silenced Catherine with a gesture and they both prepared to draw their weapons on the sudden intruder. The caution was unnecessary however as they quickly realized that their missing honor student had turned up, safe and sound. Embarrassed though he was, he finally revealed he had taken his girlfriend to Lake Tahoe for the weekend. It seemed he wanted a little romance for their "first time" together. When questioned about his uncharacteristic behavior, the young man had answered indignantly "You know, just because I'm a geek doesn't mean I don't have feelings!"

The young man's words had troubled, almost haunted Grissom for the next several hours as he completed his report and contemplated the conversation he was dreading but knew just the same had to happen. Suddenly making a decision that could impact the rest of his life, he strode out of his office in search of one Ms. Sara Sidle.

Grissom found her in the print lab, meticulously running the fingerprints she'd lifted from the crime scene he'd sent her to with Nick. Taking a deep breath to steady his ragged nerves, he stuck his head in and quickly stated, "Sara, I'd like to see you in my office when you're finished with your shift, please."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Hey everyone! Thanks so much for the wonderful reviews. This is my first fan fic and I can't tell you how you've all boosted my ego with your kind words!

Thanks to my little sister, Bernadette for her support and proofing skills. I love you, little one!!

Thanks to Lasrevinu for the invaulable comments and support when I sent the first part of the story to share.

Disclaimer: Man, I'm so broke I can't even afford to pay attention, so obviously no, I don't own any of this, although I wouldn't object to Grissom AND Sara under my Christmas tree this year hint hint

Request: My muse seems to have taken a bit of a vacation with the news that Jorja may not be returning to the show. If anyone has any suggestions for where this could possibly go, I'd be thrilled to get them and use them if they fit in with where I think I see the story going. That said, please enjoy and review!

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_Grissom found her in the print lab, meticulously running the fingerprints she'd lifted from the crime scene he'd sent her to with Nick. Taking a deep breath to steady his ragged nerves, he stuck his head in and quickly stated, "Sara, I'd like to see you in my office when you're finished with your shift, please."_

He ducked back out again without looking at her and returned to his office. He had felt a migraine building at the base of his skull for his entire shift and he wanted to knock it out before it could gather a full head of steam. They had plagued him since he was a teenager; but they had been increasing in frequency and severity over the last several years, even more so in the last few months.

He was sitting in the dark pretending to relax when she stormed through his office door forty-five minutes later. "You wanted to see me, Dr. Grissom?"

Gil winced; she hadn't called him that in more than 10 years, not since the very first time they met. It took all his strength to push back the migraine and stand up from behind his desk. "Would you come with me please, Sara?" he asked quietly as he walked past her and out his office door.

She followed him out to the parking lot to his waiting Denali. "So far so good," he thought to himself as he unlocked the door so they could climb in. He knew better than to open her door for her; chivalry was almost always lost on her.

They drove in silence for several minutes, the early morning sun already making the pavement shimmer. "What is this all about, Grissom? Where are we going?" She saw him try to hide his pained grimace at the volume of her voice in the enclosed space. Knowing he must have another of his migraines raised her compassion but did nothing to assuage the anger that was still burning inside her.

"I need your assistance with an experiment," was all he said, keeping his eyes forward. He knew without a doubt his plan would unravel if he looked in her eyes and saw anger or worse yet, hurt still evident in their beautiful depths. Her eyes had always been his Achilles heel.

She started to argue with him, but he silenced her with a look. What she was in his eyes was not anger or frustration, it was pleading. People had accused him of being a robot, bereft of emotion, but Sara knew better. She knew that he possessed supreme control over his outward expressions and the only thing that betrayed the depth to which he felt was his eyes. In the years she had known him, she'd become adept at watching his eyes and never before had she witnessed the kind of intensity she saw there now.

Grissom felt some of the tension ease in his shoulders when Sara decided not to argue. Sometimes he thought they had the ability to communicate without words. That theory had been dismissed however, when he realized if that were true, she must surely know how he felt for her.

The remainder of their brief drive was spent in blissful silence for Grissom. The migraine was finally starting to ebb, but it still had a long way to go before it could be called gone.

He almost smiled at the look of confusion on her face when he turned the vehicle into the parking garage at the Stratosphere. The look intensified when he flashed his badge to the attendant at the gate was greeted heartily by the man.

"Hello, Dr. Grissom! How are you this morning?"

"Good morning, Jerry," he replied with a smile before driving on to find a parking spot.

"Do you come here often, Grissom?" she asked, incredulous.

"Sometimes, after a long shift, I'll come in to use the facilities upstairs to unwind before I go home," he replied enigmatically.

Sara shrugged her shoulders and went around to the back of the SUV to grab her kit. She looked up when Grissom didn't join her. "Hey Gris, don't we need our stuff?"

He merely shook his head and kept going. Her anger was starting to build again, fueled by impatience and being kept in the dark about his experiment. She quickly caught up to him, her long legs closing the distance in a matter of strides.

"Are you going to tell me what we're doing here?" She asked this as they were boarding the express elevator in the parking garage. This in itself was almost enough to have her backing out but curiosity got the better of her and she decided to let the situation play itself out. He wasn't known for surprises or spontaneity, so his behavior was effectively keeping her off balance and Sara hated not being in control of a situation.

Grissom said nothing as they ascended; he simply leaned against the back wall of the elevator. He closed his eyes to block out the harshness of the fluorescent lighting…and to avoid her penetrating gaze. When the elevator finally stopped, she followed him into the lobby of the observation deck of one of the tallest buildings on the strip.

"Oh hey, Dr. G, what's shakin'?" asked the young man behind the counter.

"Hello, Jeremy. I need four please, two regular and,"

"Two Gruesome Grissom specials?" the young man asked hopefully.

"Yes, Jeremy, two specials please," Grissom answered, giving him an easy smile.

"This has to work," Grissom thought to himself; if his plan were to backfire he knew his last chance to make things right would be lost. He also knew he had already put too much out there to not continue.

"Ok, enough is enough, Grissom. I'm out of here unless you tell me what is going on." Sara was fed up; hunger, exhaustion, and she hated to admit, jealousy were getting the better of her. Who were these people, these strangers that he seemed to be so comfortable with. She turned away from him and started to get back on the elevator.

"Sara, wait, please!" Grissom gently caught her by the arm and turned her to face him. His eyes locked with hers and he found himself struggling to find his voice again.

"Please…you have my word that I will explain everything. Just come with me outside and give me 10 more minutes." His voice was barely more than a whisper, so hard was he struggling to regain control of his suddenly out of control emotions. He had worked too hard for too long to get himself to this day and he couldn't lose it now.

Sara was stunned by the raw emotion she saw play across Grissom's handsome features. It was in that instant of vulnerability that she knew she'd follow him anywhere and give him 10 lifetimes if he could learn to be unguarded in her presence. Unable to trust her voice, she merely nodded her willingness to continue.

Steeling himself, Grissom released his gentle pressure on Sara's arm and turned to cross the small lobby. Reaching for the door, he opened it and held it for her until she was through. He felt rather than saw her bristle slightly, but he had spent 10 years hiding pieces of himself from her and it was time he stopped.

Planning what to say next, he almost failed to see her stop short as she stepped outside. What he was about to do was a calculated risk and if it paid off, he was sure the rewards would be beyond his comprehension. This was make or break time and he had to keep going.

"Grissom, what's going on? I hate roller coasters…you KNOW I hate roller coasters!!! Why did you bring me up here?"

There was no anger in Sara's voice or on her face. Fear and confusion were the only things he witnessed there and it tore at him to know he was the cause of it. Taking her hand in his and tilting her chin so she had to look in his eyes, he smiled at her. He searched her eyes with his own, thinking if the eyes are the windows to the soul she should be seeing nothing but herself in his eyes because she was his soul.

"Sara," he asked her earnestly, "do you trust me?"

Just then, the coaster train rattled noisily into the loading area. Sara hoped with all she had that he had been unable to hear her whispered reply, "With my life" above the racket; until she remembered in a flash that he could read lips and she knew he didn't need to hear to know the part of herself she had just revealed to him.

His heart raced as he helped her into the car. He turned to speak briefly to Jeremy and Sara heard him murmur something about waiting for a signal before he climbed into the car himself and checked to make sure they were both securely fastened in.

He felt her tense beside him as the car began to roll slowly away from the station. Cautiously, almost shyly, he reached down to take her hand in his for support, to let her know he was there for her and he wasn't going to leave her. Gradually he felt her let go of her fear and begin to enjoy the freedom offered by the coaster. That was why he loved them; they were his only way of letting go of his need to be in total control of everything. The joy he felt when he heard her screams turn from terror to elation was indescribable.

She was shaking when the car pulled back into the station. Somehow, being there with him, knowing what sharing this with her must mean to him, had allowed her to lose herself in the ride, in the exhilaration of the speed and total lack of control. She looked over at him smiling at her and she smiled back, not out of habit or obligation, but because she wanted him to see she was happy to be there.

"That is how I have felt since the first time I saw you, Sara. You do something to me that I can't control. God knows I've tried; I've tried for the last 12 years to control my feelings for you, but I'm tired of being in control and I can't do it any more."

With that, he nodded at Jeremy and the car started to move again, this time in reverse. He saw as the color drained from her face and her elation turned to fear again. Taking her hand in his again, he held it tightly and said something she thought she'd never hear, "Sara, you're ok. I'm right here and I'm not going to leave you…ever."

He looked over at her as the car rolled back into the station again. She was frozen in place, having not moved during the entire reverse run of the roller coaster. Gil was afraid he'd pushed her too far when she suddenly gave him one of the amazing gap-toothed grins he'd come to treasure. Reaching across her, he carefully released the latches on her safety harness and helped her out of the car.

Taking her hands in his, he looked into her eyes, praying to a God he knew she didn't believe in that he'd have the right words to say to her now. "Sara, the terror and uncertainty I saw in your eyes when the car started to move backwards, that is how I have felt for the last six months. Ever since Nicky was taken, I have been second-guessing myself."

His voice became quiet and filled with emotion. "I keep asking myself, what if it had been her, what if that psychopath had taken Sara instead of Nick. And I know what if…I know if he had taken you, it would have been my undoing, Sara."

"Is that why you haven't assigned me to anything other robberies and B&Es?" Sara didn't wait for his reply. There was too much she wanted to say and she was finally getting the chance. "I didn't notice at first, and when Nick came back, I thought maybe you wanted me to keep an eye on him since you always assigned us to the same cases."

She sighed, thinking back on how many times she'd given him the benefit of the doubt because of her feelings for him. "Then Nick started getting the good stuff again and I was still stuck doing the lightweight stuff. Cases I could have handled alone and in my sleep. I was never alone though, was I? But I was never with you either." Fighting back tears that had been threatening to fall for some time, she continued. "I thought I had said or done something wrong and I played every conversation, every moment over and over in my head trying to find something, anything to explain why you were treating me like a rookie."

The door to the lobby opened and a group of giggling teenagers rushed outside to board the coaster. Grissom looked around suddenly, as if he had forgotten where they were. "Sara, I want to finish this, just not here. Do you mind if we go somewhere a little more private to discuss this?"

Sara pulled her hands away as if she'd been stung. She should have known better than to think he had finally changed, that he was finally going to let down his walls with her. She had to look away, because the hurt and confusion that registered in his stunningly blue eyes nearly broke her.

The ride back down to the parking garage was spent in strained silence. Gil felt utterly defeated. He wasn't sure how he'd done it, but he knew he had blown his chance and had hurt for the last time.

He drove her back to the lab and parked next to her personal car. He opened his mouth to speak but she just unbuckled her seatbelt and climbed out of the Denali. As she unlocked her car door, he saw her wipe away tears that were now streaming down her face, tears that he had put there. Unable to bear seeing her like that, he slammed the SUV into reverse and drove off.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Hey everyone! Thanks again for all the wonderful reviews. Keep them coming...the more I get, the more you get ;).

Disclaimer: As before, I own nothing...but I'm still making room for Billy and Jorja under my tree this year.

Many thanks to my dear friend Cheryl for her mad beta skills. She's not a CSI fan but I'm hoping this story will help bring her back to the light side of the force...oh wait...wrong fandom. LOL Happy Wednesday everyone!!

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Grissom drove aimlessly, not knowing where to go or what to do. He had no idea how much time had passed since he left Sara when his cell phone suddenly rang. He didn't bother looking at the caller ID, he just assumed it must be the lab since nobody else ever called him at this hour. "Grissom", he barked into the phone.

"How am I supposed to follow you if I don't know where you are," she asked softly, not bothering to hide the tears that were still evident in her voice. "I got in my car and needed a minute to um, catch my breath, and when I looked up, you were gone. I thought you had more you wanted to say."

Sara didn't know what she was thinking when she pulled out her cell phone and called Grissom once she had calmed down. What she did know was that something had changed between them this morning and she had to know what it was and what it meant. A million different scenarios were running through her head and nothing but knowing the truth was going to satisfy her at this point.

"Sara," he gasped; his heart had nearly stopped when he heard her voice. "I ah, I'm… I'm sorry. After your reaction I didn't think you'd want to talk to me."

"You thought wrong, Bugman," she almost whispered, using the nickname she'd given him years ago but hadn't used since. "Where did you go?"

He looked out the windshield of the Denali and realized he had absolutely NO idea where he was. "I have no clue, I just drove." He checked his watch, less than half an hour had passed. "Are you still at the lab?"

"Yeah, do you want me to just meet you somewhere so you don't have to come all the way back here?"

Bolstering all his courage he asked her, "Do you still remember how to get to my place? I know you've only been there once."

Sara almost laughed out-loud at this. If only he knew how often she had driven by his townhouse in the last five years. She'd lost count of the times, held up by liquid courage that she'd almost stopped, almost bared her soul to him, almost bared her body for him. Those almosts stopped today, she vowed to herself; it was going to be all or nothing from now on. "Yeah, I think so. It's over off Blackston Road, isn't it?"

He smiled to himself, pleased that she would remember after such a long time. "Yes, that's right. Would you be willing to meet me there in about an hour? I have something urgent to take care of, then I'll be home."

"That's fine. Do you want me to pick up some breakfast? I don't know about you, but I'm starving."

Grissom was glad to hear her voice returning to normal. Maybe, just maybe, all was not lost. "That would be nice, Sara, thank you. Just get me whatever you get yourself. I'll see you in about an hour, ok?" When he heard her affirmative, he closed his phone and sat for a moment to catch his breath and slow his erratic pulse. He didn't sit for long though, he had a great deal to do and less than an hour to get it done.

Using the GPS Navigator in his Denali, he figured out the best way to get him back home after making his stops. Luckily his aimlessness had actually brought him less than 10 minutes from his destination; still, he would feel better once he had everything he needed and was back home.

Along the way he stopped at the florist he always used when he sent his mother flowers to surprise her. He also stopped and bought a bottle of champagne and two delicate crystal glasses. There was one other purchase he made, on a whim, something he had never needed before. He wasn't even sure if he'd need them now, and he blushed at the look the teenage girl at the drugstore gave him as she looked from him, to the small box on the counter, and back again.

He managed to make all his stops and get everything put away less than 45 minutes after he got off the phone with Sara. Now he just had to figure out what to do until she arrived. While he was waiting, he remembered something he had purchased out of the blue several months ago.

He had been looking for something special for his mother's 75th birthday when he saw the exquisite piece in the jewelry store. The necklace was white gold, with a delicate butterfly pendant, made of sapphires and emeralds, which he knew were Sara's birthstone and favorite color respectively. He had no idea what possessed him to buy it, it was far to personal a gift from a supervisor to his subordinate, but perhaps today would change that. He was checking to see if it was still where he had left it in his beside table when he heard the knock at his front door.

Grissom opened the door and she took his breath away. She was unlike any woman he had ever known. After what had transpired before, another woman would have changed clothes or touched up her makeup to hide the tearstains and swollen eyes. Not Sara though; with Sara, what you saw was what you got, and this morning more than any other, what he saw before him was the woman he knew he would love for the rest of his life.

"Hi, you said to get you what I was having, so I got you a waffle and some tofu bacon. I hope that's ok." Her voice drifted off when she realized he was staring at her. "What? Do I have something on my face?" she asked self-consciously.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stare. You just look so… beautiful," he said quietly, hoping the awe he felt was conveyed in his voice.

"Here, let me take those from you," he blurted, relieving her of the takeout containers, to give himself something to do with the nervous energy he suddenly found he had in abundance. "Come in and make yourself comfortable. I'll just put these in the kitchen."

She had rarely seen him this ill at ease, and deep down it gave her a little bit of a thrill knowing at least this time, it was because of her. She walked into the living room to sit on the couch when she saw the flowers he'd purchased. There, on his coffee table, in a simple yet stunningly elegant vase, were 10 of the most gorgeous fire and ice roses she had ever seen.

"Sara? Sara? Are you ok?" she heard him say, breaking her from her reverie. "I asked if you wanted to eat now or after we talk for a while. When you didn't answer, I thought you might have fallen asleep already."

"I'm fine. How… how did you know?"

"Know what?" he asked, trying unsuccessfully to feign innocence. Unsuccessfully because he didn't look at her as he asked the question. He knew she'd see right through him if he looked at her- she always did.

Sara shot him her best "Give it up, I know your secret" look. The one she usually reserved for suspects she knew were as guilty as hell. He knew he was in over his head with the beautiful woman standing in front of him, and it would be best to just tell her everything.

"I heard you and Catherine talking in the locker room one day. Her mother had sent her flowers for her birthday; you were admiring them and you told her,"

"I told her I knew it was embarrassingly trite and old fashioned, but I loved roses, especially Fire and Ice roses. Gris, that was over two years ago, how did you remember that?"

"It was something that was important to you, so I committed it to memory, just like I always have."

"You are amazing, Gil. I don't know what to say."

His breath caught in his throat for a moment. She'd never called him Gil before. He had asked her to when they became friends while she was in grad school; he felt Dr. Grissom was too formal for the close friendship they had formed and she felt that Gil was too informal for a student to call her mentor. So they had settled on Grissom. For a while she even took to calling him Bugman, an endearment he secretly enjoyed. But she had stopped using it when she slipped and called him that during lecture one day. He had been waiting 12 years to for her to say his name and it game him the push he needed to continue their earlier conversation.

"Sara, sit down, there's a lot I'd like us to talk about," he said, his calm tone belying the knots his stomach was tying itself into. Here was the opportunity he'd been dreaming of and he was going to seize it.

Sinking down into the leather cushions, he took a deep breath and decided to take Jim's sage advice and just cut to the chase. "I'm terrified, Sara. I'm terrified and I don't know how to deal with these feelings anymore."

Unaccustomed as he was to doing something like this, he was unable to face her as he spoke. He was supposed to be the strong, fearless one, the alpha-male, able to support and protect those he cared for; yet here he was, shaking like a leaf, ashamed of his weakness and fear.

Sara sighed, more than a little frustrated at the half step forward, two steps back this conversation was taking. She was used to his constant push/pull towards her, but this was something more. Intent on getting past the barriers, she moved to sit on the coffee table facing him with her legs tucked up underneath her. It was then that she truly noticed the outward signs of the inner battle she knew he was waging with his emotions.

"You're trembling," she said softly as she took his hands in hers. "Come on, Bugman, talk to me. I know we've had our issues in the past, but we've always gotten through them, haven't we? Whatever is going on now, we can get through it, but you have to talk to me."

They sat like that for what seemed an eternity. She held his hands and fought back the urge to do more, to wrap him in her arms and never let him go. She'd never seen him like this, so utterly quiet, so fragile. She knew he was hurting and it was like shredding her soul to see him like this- but when she tried to remove her hands from him to go, she felt his grip on her fingers tighten and she knew she couldn't, and wouldn't, leave him.

He felt her start to pull away and his walls crumbled. His hands tightened on hers in a silent plea for her not to leave and he felt her relax into his grip. He looked up to meet her eyes and was stunned by what he saw reflected in their depths. He had expected to see anger, frustration and even hurt. Instead he saw compassion, warmth and patience; a patience he knew must have been born of waiting for him for so many years.

"My dad left when I was five. At the time, I thought it was my fault, I thought I wasn't enough. I wasn't the son he wanted. I didn't like sports or fishing or playing with other kids. I was happier inside, with my books and my insects and my mother. Mother had always encouraged my fascinations; she bought me my first ant farm for my birthday that year. Dad bought me a football and a fishing pole."

"Grissom, it's ok. You don't have to tell me this."

"Yes, I do, Sara. If we're going to get through this," he said, gesturing between them, indicating the current status of their friendship. "If we're going to get through this, you deserve to know why I am so hopelessly inept when it comes to relationships. I never had a role model of a healthy relationship."

"Did they argue a lot, your parents? Was he abusive?" she asked, dreading the answer. It was one thing for her to have lived through that horror, but somehow she couldn't bear the thought of someone doing the same to him.

"Actually, there was never any yelling. There was no need for it. When I was three, Mother lost her hearing. She had known for years that she would eventually lose it, so she started teaching me to sign when I was a baby. By the time it was completely gone, my signed vocabulary equaled my spoken one."

Sara laughed a little at this, "It must have been huge then. What about your father, though? Did she not teach him to sign too?"

He shook his head sadly. "She tried, but he had no interest in learning. He thought it was 'unnatural' for people to communicate with anything other than speech. He tried to ignore her hearing loss. I guess he thought if he didn't acknowledge it, it didn't exist. He tried that for two years before he finally gave up and left."

"Your mother never remarried?"

"No. I asked her once, when I was older, why she never did and she said 'Gilbert, I have you. What would I need with another man in my life?'"

Sara smiled and unconsciously muttered under her breath, "I know what ya mean, Mrs. G. I know what ya mean." Only when she saw his eyebrow rise in that maddeningly sexy way of his, did she realize the words had escaped her mouth and she blushed furiously. She tried to cover her face with her hands, but he refused to let them out of his grip, which only served to deepen her embarrassment. Giving in, she stopped fighting and asked him keep sharing with her.

She lost track of how long she'd been sitting on the table, with her feet tucked up under her and his hands held firmly, but gently, in hers. He'd opened up to her for the first time and she wasn't going to allow the numbness in her legs or the stiffness in her neck to slow things down now. He told her stories of his childhood; nothing earth shattering or life altering in and of themselves, but for the fact that he was sharing them with her. She laughed with him about the first time he brought home a pet spider. She squeezed his hands tighter when he talked about his father's death from cancer when he was in junior high. She wanted to hug him tightly when he talked about graduating early from high school, because he never really had any friends, so he took extra classes to fill his time.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Again, thanks to everyone for the awesome reviews. And to my little sister, Bernadette for being a great beta, encourager and all around great sister! Please, if you have been reading and haven't let me know what you think, I'm interested in all opinions both positive ad negative...if I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I don't know what to fix. I realized after posting chapter 4 this story kinda doesn't follow the time line of the show but that's ok...because this is FICTION and it's ok to make things up as we go along.

As always for the disclaimer: I own nothing but three of the novels and seasons 1 and 2 on DVD. My birthday is in October though and if any of you can figure out how to get Billy and Jorja giftwrapped and safely to Missouri, I'd be forever grateful. ;)

And now...Enjoy the Silence Chapter 5

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He noticed her starting to squirm and couldn't believe how selfish he had been. She must have been sitting in that position for hours listening to him ramble on about his childhood. Shame once again darkening his eyes, he apologized. "Sara, I'm so sorry. I can't believe I was being so thoughtless. You've been sitting there on that table allowing me to babble for hours. You must be exhausted."

Confused by his sudden change of mood, Sara's face fell. "No, I'm fine, really. I like letting you do the babbling for a change."

"Well at least come over here to the sofa. It isn't as comfortable as yours, but it must be better than sitting on that table." He stood to help her to her feet and allow her to sit beside him. As she stood however, her legs had other ideas. Having been tucked up underneath her on the hard surface for so long, they had both fallen asleep and refused to support her weight. The instant she started to fall, he caught her in his arms and pulled her close to him, holding her until her legs were ready to do their job. "Are you alright, Sara?"

Rather than being mortified at seemingly throwing herself into her boss's arms, she was secretly thrilled to be held by him. Casually, she wrapped her arms around him, thanking him for not letting her fall. She breathed deeply, taking in the scent of him. She knew he never wore cologne, but there was something uniquely Grissom and it was, as it has always been, intoxicating.

Gil held her tightly to him, wanting to freeze this moment in time. He looked down at her and in that unguarded moment, the intense urge to protect her kicked in. With her eyes closed, he saw the dark circles beneath her lashes and knew she must be exhausted. Glancing at his watch, he saw that she had been there with him for nearly four hours and so far he'd only managed to talk about his childhood. "Nice going, idiot," he berated himself.

Sighing deeply, he gently disentangled himself from her. "Sara, I should let you go. It's nearly noon and I'm sure you want to go home and get some sleep before shift tonight."

"Actually, I don't have to work tonight. Stacy Robinson from swings needs some extra overtime this month so I asked her to cover for me tonight. So, since I had tomorrow and the next night off anyway, I now have three nights off in a row without Ecklie's assistance."

"When did you come up with this little plan," he asked. The fatigue he was feeling caused his voice to sound petulant and he cringed, knowing before she said a word what her reaction would be.

"Grissom, are you trying to get rid of me?" Sara backed away to look up at him angrily. "I can't take much more of this, you know. You drag me to the Stratosphere and trick me onto a roller coaster with you in some bizarre attempt to explain your actions towards me over the last several months. I survive that ordeal and when you finally start to really open up to me, just as suddenly you put the brakes on again."

Her voice began to rise in pitch and volume. She was exhausted, yes and not just physically. "You drive me back to the lab and abandon me there, a sobbing, confused, exhausted wreck. But is that enough to put me over the edge with you? Hell no! I calm down and call you, practically begging you to string me along again. Then you invite me over here to talk and we do. It was amazing, Grissom, listening to you talk about your childhood like that. Finally getting an insight into what makes you tick."

By this time, tears were flowing unchecked down her porcelain skin. He ached to reach out to her, but when he tried she just batted his hand away.

"Don't you do that, Grissom!!" she sobbed. "Don't you reach out to me all caring and concerned only to pull your hand back when you realize what you've done! Do you get some sort of perverse thrill out of doing this to me? I know you're not the emotionless android you'd like people to think you are. So why do you keep doing this, pulling me towards you then pushing me away when you realize how close I am? How much more of this am I going to have to take? What more do I have to do to prove to you that I am worthy of the Great Dr. Gil Grissom's attention?"

"Is that really what you believe, Sara? That I think you're unworthy of me? My God, I have known you for 12 years and I never realized you were blind!" He knew his words would probably anger her but he used them to make her stop and listen to him. "There is nothing that could be farther from the truth, Sara." Taking a deep breath, he pushed on. "You are the most amazing, intelligent, beautiful, captivating, infuriating woman I have ever known. I knew the day you walked into that seminar at Berkeley that you were a force to be reckoned with and you have yet to prove me wrong."

Struggling to take all this in, she had difficulty finding her voice. "Then why do you want me to leave?"

Scrubbing his hands over his face, he tried to regain his composure. "I don't want you to leave, Sara. I just thought,"

"You thought what, Grissom," she asked pointedly.

"I thought you looked tired and I wanted to take care of you."

"You what?"

"I wanted to take care of you. Don't you understand, Sara? That is what this has all been about. The rookie assignments, never leaving you alone at a scene…" Grissom was barely whispering now, "Following you home to make sure you made it safely."

"YOU FOLLOWED ME HOME?!?! Grissom, what the hell is going on with you? It's like I don't even know you!"

"I told you Sara, I've been second guessing myself since…since Nicky. I close my eyes but sleep doesn't come easily and when it finally does, I'm tormented by nightmares. It isn't his face I see on the monitor. Only we don't…I don't…get there in time and I'm too late. It's as if my life is defined in that one moment and all my fears are right there in front of me."

"Grissom, I don't understand. Who do you see?"

The violent ups and downs of the day finally took their toll and his emotions got the better of him. Tears began to flow freely down his face as he recalled the horrors of the nightmares and seeing her face inside the Plexiglas coffin.

"Grissom, what is it? Who do you see in your nightmares?"

"Sara…please…please tell me I'm not too late," he barely choked out the words between sobs. "I know I've hurt you and you've given me more chances than anyone deserves, but I need to know. Am I too late?"

Understanding dawning in her mind and heart, Sara gathered him into her arms. She reached up to wipe away his tears with her fingers. "Grissom…Griss…GIL…look at me."

Unable to face the possibility of his worst fear coming true, he turned away from her, not wanting to see pity in her eyes. Feeling her hands on his arms, he stiffened and started to pull away until he heard her voice, riddled with emotion.

"Gil, wait, please," she said softly. "Do you trust me," she asked using his earlier words against him.

When he nodded in answer, she pleaded with him, "Then look at me when I say this to you." Giving him a moment to calm down, she waited until he was looking deeply into her eyes to say something she'd been waiting a very long time to say.

"Gil, I care more about you than anyone I have ever known. God knows, after 12 years of this, whatever it is; I've tried to change that. I tried pursuing you and that didn't work. I tried ignoring you, which was impossible since you're my boss. I tried forgetting you and moving on, but something wouldn't let me do that."

Searching his eyes for an understanding that she didn't yet see, she continued. "No, you're not too late. You never would have been. I realized a long time ago the reason that none of my relationships ever worked out after I met you."

"What do you mean? I had nothing to do with any of them…well except for Hank."

She laughed gently at how naive he could be sometimes. "Because they weren't you, Bugman. Since the first time we went out for coffee after class, it's always been you."

Blinking, he thought back for a moment. "Sara, the first time we went out for coffee was after the first class. You had such, intelligent, insightful questions that I wanted to take the time to answer them properly and there was another class in that lecture hall."

"That's right, Grissom" Sara said as she saw dawn in his eyes. "And it's been a wild ride ever since."


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Again, a HUGE thank you to everyone who has reviewed. Your comments and encouragement mean the world to me!! Keep them coming if you want more. Consider yourselves warned, my muse has officially been dubbed Sophia as all she wants to do lately is sit on her butt and cause angst for me. As a result, updates will be less frequent as this is the last of the story that has been written so far.

Thanks, hugs and high 5's to my awesome betas, as always my sister Bernadette and LadyKestrel.

Disclaimer: See previous chapters and PM for my address if you wish to fulfill my Christmas or Birthday wishes. ;)

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"Why, Sara," he asked suddenly, the desire to know overriding all else in his mind. "After everything I have done, all the times I've hurt you, you always forgive me, always have room to take more. I'll never be able to make up for all the time I have hurt you, Sara. I would give anything to be able to go back and change the things I have done."

"I don't want to go back. As bad as things have sometimes been between us, I wouldn't change any of it." She looked deeply into his eyes so he would see she was sincere. "Everything that has happened has made me who I am and I am finally starting to like the person I see when I look in the mirror."

"Then tell me how to make it up to you, Sara. You deserve so much better than me. So much better than they way I have treated you."

"I want us to be friends again, Grissom, like we were before I came to Vegas. I know I said I didn't want to go back, and I don't, but I miss those times so much. Do you remember how we would sit at that little coffee house near campus and talk for hours about absolutely nothing? Or how we would call each other after a really hard case, just to talk it through?"

Grissom smiled at the memories that flooded his mind. "I never told you this, Sara." He hesitated, unsure how she would take what he was about to tell her. "I looked forward to those cases." He held up his hand to gently silence her when he saw how shocked she was by his admission. "Those cases gave me an excuse to call you, to be able to hear your voice. You could have read me the Betty Crocker cookbook and I would have been happy."

Sara shook her head; a little sad for the years they had both wasted. "You never needed an excuse to call me, Grissom. But I know what you mean…you could have recited toxicology reports from every autopsy you've ever conducted and it would have sounded like Shakespeare to me."

"I know a lot has happened and a lot of things changed since I came to Vegas, Griss. But it would mean so much to me if we could rebuild our friendship and the trust we used to have in each other. Can we do that, Gil; can we try to be friends again?"

Grissom pulled her into his arms again, as much because he needed to hold her as to hide from her the tears that were gathering in his eyes again. Until then, he had never known it was possible to feel such joy and sadness in equal measures in the same moment. He felt her arms wrap around him and he drew strength from her closeness. Leaning down to feather the lightest of kisses against her hair, he whispered, "Thank you, Sara, for giving me this chance."

She smiled up at him, wondering if it was possible to drown in the ocean of his eyes. "Um, Griss…can we sit down? As much as I am enjoying being held by you, my legs are really getting tired."

Chagrined that he had forgotten about helping her to sit on the couch, he sat down and pulled her down to sit beside him. Fearful of pushing too far and undoing the good that had been done thus far, he settled for sitting close to her, rather than holding her in his arms as he longed to do. "You must be getting tired," he remarked after they had been sitting in comfortable silence for several minutes.

She sighed deeply. "Grissom, if you want me to leave, just say so. If we're ever going to regain our trust in each other, you're going to have to learn to be honest. I might not always like what you have to say, but it will be easier for me to deal with if I know you're being open and honest with me." She was preparing to stand when she felt his and on hers, their fingers linking together of their own accord.

"I don't want you to go, Sara," he stated quietly, pulling her towards him. "I just thought you might be getting tired and I was going to offer to make you some lunch since it's now after noon and I'm sure neither one of us wants to eat soggy waffles or ice cold tofu bacon." He slid his arm around her shoulders and held her gently. "I hope you know, Sara, that I have not lied to you. I haven't always been completely open about things, but I have never lied to you – and I never will."

"I know that, Griss; but I need to know that from now on, you'll try to be more open with me."

"Sara, you know that I am an intensely private person. Hell, I don't even discuss a lot of things with my mother, but you have my word, I will work very hard at trying to be open with you."

She smiled and leaned closer, testing the waters a bit before resting her head lightly on his shoulder. When he didn't tense or pull away, she relaxed into him, reveling in the easy closeness they seemed to have found again after so many years. She opened her mouth to ask him a question when out of nowhere, her stomach rumbled loudly, eliciting a quiet laugh from Grissom.

"Would you like me to make you something or would you like to order take out?" he asked, deliberately omitting the option of her leaving his townhouse. "I just went to the grocery store so there's plenty here that I could fix something, or there are menus in the kitchen drawer."

"I should probably get going anyway, I've been here keeping you awake long enough," she muttered, embarrassed and angry at her body's blatant betrayal.

"I want to have lunch with you, Sara," he said with a sigh. Would she ALWAYS make him state his reasons for everything? "I know it's going to be a while before I have earned back the right to ask you to do things for me, but will you, for now, do this one thing for me? Will you please stay and have lunch with me?"

Sara was humbled at the honesty and earnestness of his voice. She could have no more denied him this request than she could have denied a drowning man a life preserver. "Since you put it that way, of course I'll stay, Bugman."

Grissom rose from the couch, gently pulling her with him and made his way into the kitchen. He motioned for her to sit on one of the barstools as he poked around in the refrigerator for something to feed them. Finally settling on pasta tossed with shrimp and vegetables, he set about to work. Sara offered to help but he politely refused, telling her she was a guest and that having cooked for himself for so long he had a system. While both were indeed true, the most honest reason was that her proximity caused his hands to shake and he didn't trust himself with the knife.

They chatted easily as he quickly chopped vegetables and cleaned shrimp. When the food was almost ready, Grissom showed Sara to the restroom to freshen up while he set the table. Moving efficiently, he laid out the needed items, including the crystal champagne flutes he had purchased earlier. Getting their friendship back on track was reason enough for celebration in his mind.

He felt rather than heard her approach as he put the finishing touches on the table. He turned to smile shyly at her before returning to the kitchen to retrieve their meal and the bottle of champagne that had been chilling since he had returned home hours before. "Is something wrong, Sara," he asked, concerned when he saw an odd expression marring her lovely features.

"No, it's just…well…no one's ever gone to this much trouble for me before. It's a little, um, overwhelming, that's all."

He moved around the table to hug her softly and brush her hair back from her face. "Oh Sara, this is nothing," he told her, his heart aching for all the hurt she had endured in her life. "You deserve so much more than this." In his heart and mind, he added this promise, "And I will be the one to give it to you, if you'll let me."

Not wanting her melancholy to ruin the mood, she pulled back from him, smiled and said, "What are we waiting for? I'm starving, let's eat!!"

When she made to sit down at the table, he moved ahead of her and pulled out her chair. She tried to argue that she was perfectly capable of seating herself but he silenced her with one of his patented arched brow stares. They ate in companionable silence until Grissom decided to serve the champagne. "I would like to propose a toast," he began, searching for the right words. "To 12 years of friendship and its ups and downs; may we enjoy many more years, with as many ups as we have already experienced downs. And to you, Sara for giving me a seemingly endless series of second chances…thank you."

She reached across the table to squeeze his hand as their glasses clinked together. After savoring a few more bites of the delicious meal and collecting her thoughts, Sara spoke. "I would also like to propose a toast," she said slowly. Grissom refilled their now empty glasses and waited for her to speak again. "To 12 years of friendship, it hasn't always been easy, it hasn't always been fun, but in the end, it's always been worth it. And to you Grissom, for finally showing me I wasn't wrong for giving you all those second chances…thank you."

By the time they had finished their meal and emptied the bottle of champagne, Sara was feeling very full and very, very sleepy. Still, she insisted on helping him clear away the dishes, only agreeing to return to the living room after a particularly intense yawn caused her to nearly drop the champagne glasses. She sat down on the couch with the intention of flipping through one of his many entomology journals but dozed off within seconds of relaxing onto the leather cushions.

Grissom found her that way when he came into the room a short time later, after cleaning up the remnants of their lunch. He found himself torn, he hated to wake her when she looked so peaceful; but he knew she would quickly become uncomfortable in that position. For once, following his heart rather than his head he knew what to do.

Quietly he stole out of the room and up the stairs to the guest room. He kept the bed made up for his mother's visits, so he quickly turned down the sheets and set out a pair of his sweats and a t-shirt for her to sleep in. Returning to the living room, he noticed she had stretched out on the couch. He knelt down in front of her and softly said her name, not wanting to startle her out of sleep. When she didn't respond, he reached out, almost reverently to stroke her cheek with his fingers and said a little louder this time, "Sara, honey, you need to wake up."

"Huh? Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I must have dozed off," she mumbled, sleep and alcohol slurring her words. "I really should go. If I am this tired, I can only imagine how you must be feeling." With that, she quickly stood up and moved away from him towards the door.

Before she was able to go far, he was behind her grasping her shoulders and spinning her to face him. Acting completely on impulse, he leaned down, pressed his lips to hers and drew her into his arms in a secure embrace. He fully expected her to pull away or slap him for invading her personal space so suddenly; instead, she wrapped her arms around his neck and returned his kiss eagerly.

For several minutes they remained locked in their embrace until only his need for air surpassed his need for her. "Sara…" he gasped, his voice a hoarse whisper. He gazed into her eyes, which had darkened to almost black and in their depths he saw intense desire that he knew must be mirrored in his own eyes.

After a deep breath to slow his galloping heart, he spoke again, "Sara, please don't go. I'd like you to stay." When he saw her eyes widen with shock and she started to speak, he held his finger to her lips to silence her so he could explain. "In the guest room, Sara; I wouldn't ask of you something I myself am not ready to give."

Sara smiled and nodded. "You're right, Grissom. I shouldn't be driving when I'm this tired."

Reluctantly he released her from his arms to take her hand and lead her up the stairs to the guest room. He showed her the attached bathroom and invited her to help herself to anything she needed as he always kept extras on hand should his mother forget anything. Upon returning to the bedroom, he shyly pointed out that he'd laid out something for her to sleep in as well.

He left her to prepare for bed and went about his own somewhat obsessive-compulsive ritual as well. Once he had brushed his teeth, laid out his clothes for the next day and changed into shorts and a faded LAPD t-shirt, he padded back down the hall to see if she was settled in. She was just climbing under the covers when he knocked and he smiled at her whispered "Come in, Griss."

Grissom was unable to stop the amused grin from spreading across his face when he saw her in his clothes. She could have easily fit both legs into the soft material of the sweats and the t-shirt looked more like a dress on her thin frame. "I just wanted to see if you needed anything else," he said as he unconsciously took the covers from her and tucked her in like a small child. When she shook her head no, he leaned down to place a tender kiss on her forehead. "I'm just down the hall, and I'll leave my door cracked in case you do need anything. Good night, Sara. Sleep well."

"Thank you, Gil…for everything. Sweet dreams," she said softly before turning over and snuggling down into the cool comfort of the pillows.

Sara awakened with a start several hours later, at first a bit disoriented until she gathered her senses and remembered where she was. Suddenly she heard the noise that had awakened her and she realized it was emanating from down the hall, from Grissom's bedroom. Extremely concerned by the terrified, anguished cries she was hearing, she grabbed her cell phone to call for help if she needed it before moving quickly but quietly down the hall.

She listened at the door for only a moment before she realized she was hearing not the sounds of him being attacked by an intruder but of him lost in what could only be described as a night terror. Knowing now that he would do the same for her, she entered his room and sat on the floor next to his bed, softly calling his name. Afraid to do anything that would startle him awake, she just sat, crooning words she hoped would be comforting to him. After several minutes she thought he was finally beginning to calm down when suddenly he sat bolt up right in his bed and screamed "SARA….NO!!!!"

Startled, she reached out to him, taking his hand in hers, she stroked his fingers delicately, whispering "Grissom, it's ok…I'm right here, everything is ok." His entire body was shaking, as he was obviously still locked in the grips of the terrifying visions in his subconscious. Finally out of ideas, she climbed up into the bed next to him, hoping he would feel her presence and quiet down. He fought her touch at first when she pulled him into her arms, then suddenly as if a sedative had finally taken effect, he relaxed totally against her and his breathing began to normalize. Deftly, she placed her fingers on his neck to check his pulse, cursing softly when she realized it was well over 100.

She snuggled close to him, tenderly stroking his face, whispering his name over and over, hoping he would finally hear her and be released from the nightmare. It took what seemed like hours to Sara, when it reality it was only about 15 minutes for him to finally break free from the nightmare and respond to her voice.

He blinked up at her in shock, startled to find her in his bed gazing down at him with worry tainting her beautiful face. "Sara...what…why…what's wrong," he stammered, trying to come to grips with what was happening.

"Shh, it's ok, Grissom. Everything is fine. You were having a nightmare and I couldn't get you to wake up," her words seemed to tumble from her mouth alerting him to how scared she truly was. "Then, you screamed my name loud enough to hear over Greggo's ipod and I decided desperate measures were in order, so I climbed up here to hold you until you either woke up or the nightmare was over."

"Do you want to talk about it, Grissom? I'm willing to listen if you want to," she tried to make her tone reassuring even though her heart was racing.

When he vehemently shook his head no, she was suddenly uncomfortable holding him like that in his own bed. She tried to pull away from him, determined to return to the safety of the guest room but was halted when she found her wrists in his strong grip. "Please, don't leave me, Sara. I felt you holding me and that was what brought me out of the nightmare," he whispered, his voice heavily charged with emotion. "I need you to hold me so I can try to sleep again."

In answer to his plea, Sara pulled him close to her again, her arm wrapping around his chest and her chin resting on his shoulder. She leaned down to gently kiss his cheek and whispered in his ear, "Go to sleep, Gil. I'll hold you for as long as you need me to."


End file.
